Big Changes Ahead

It is all happening too fast. It always does.

When big things are coming up in my life, I tend to reject them. I tend to freak out. I get angry and very anxious. So for the past oh... 5 months or so, I have been ignoring reality. Foolish me. Now I have a list of all the things that needs to get done before he leaves. It's not pretty.

Next month he leaves again. 

15 months home is not nearly long enough.

It still feels like he just got back.

And poor Evelyn is so happy with life right now. She is so comfortable in our place, in our routine, and things are about to go upside down on her. Again.

At least we have dodged her needing eye surgery... for the time being. We will check up again sometime in June.

Anyways, back to the leaving.

It's been quite disappointing on this end. Yes, he is leaving. Yes, we knew that it was possible.

That doesn't mean we're happy about it!

That doesn't mean it's not a big deal!

That doesn't mean we don't need help.

Or support.

Or sympathy from the people we thought we were closest too!

Thankfully, we live near some of our family.

So it won't be as bad as when we were living in Germany.

But that doesn't mean it's easy!

You know. No one is planning to come visit me while he's gone.

Except my mom.

I will be alone for 6 months, and no one is planning to visit me.

For 6 months, I do it all.

I kill the big spiders, take out the trash & recycling, pay all the bills.

I wake up with her every time.

I run all errands with her.

I make a life that has been torn apart, and somehow put it back together.

All while worrying about him, on the other side of the world.

Praying that I just might get to talk to him that week.

And that he'll be back when he said he will.

I'll sleep in the big empty bed.

Trying to remember what it feels like to cuddle up in his arms.

Or what it's like to sleep in, because he's nice enough to let me.

And how he helps me make dinner.

And watches her while I run to the store or the gym.

And never mind the events he will miss:

All birthdays...

Our Anniversary...

For 6 months, I am a single mom.

It's not like I have a choice.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's really not that hard to imagine how you would handle such a tragic event, if it were to happen to you. But yet... No one can, unless they've lived it. No one seems to realize how emotional, how scarring this is.

How much it hurts to know that no one plans to visit.

I don't do it because I want to.

Or because I like to challenge myself.

I do it because I love him. 

Something no civilian will ever completely understand.