I went to a private college-prep high school, and with that means one thing: Expectations are ridiculously high.
Don't get me wrong; I loved my high school and was beyond prepared for college! But since I started working during college, I've had the longing to return to being a financial a supporter of my family. Even with a crazy one year old, a military lifestyle, a house, millions of projects that never get finished... I wanted more.
So back at the beginning of December, I applied for a job - in my degree field! It started at a great pay (for what I do), and while that job had no promotional opportunities, the experience alone would open up more jobs. I started off with a time line in my head of how long this would all take - because I knew that coming up in spring/summer, things would get way crazy, and I wanted to be adjusted long before that.
Well, folks, what do we know about life?
Nothing ever goes as planned!
Yes, and I definitely know that; I definitely expect that, but what I am not good at?
Handling it while it's happening.
HORRIBLE at that part.
I was not interviewed until nearly 2 months after I put in my application, which was a few weeks after I thought I'd already be working.
A couple weeks later, I heard back. I had to have a background check and other things, so the person I talked to made it sound like it would take a few weeks before I'd hear back for paperwork & orientation.
I was also told the wait list for a slot for my daughter was going to take a while, too.
Nope, instead I had about 20 hours notice to start the job. I panicked trying to find someone to watch my daughter. Finally called them to tell them I could not start so soon, and they tell me, "well, we've moved kids around so you can bring in her in tomorrow."
Ok. Me? I don't deal well with big, quick changes. I need time to process or else I would have done one major thing differently: I would have declined the job from the get go, and applied again in a few months.
Why?
Because I was so excited about the JOB that I completely neglected to realized how much the rest of my life was creeping up on me. =/
Between now & the end of April:
* 3 separate trips of family members coming to visit.
* Moving to NCO housing (hopefully)
* Evelyn's surgery for her eye (confirmed in a couple weeks)
* Hubby leaves for a deployment
3 out of 4 of these MAJOR things are happening before the middle of April.
What I didn't realize? That the middle of April is less than 2 months away!
So I handled it the best I could: I cried. A lot. I panicked. I didn't sleep.
Then I explained our situation to the person who hired me.
I had to walk away.
I was finally excited about something for ME, and I had to walk away.
But the truth is, there is no way I could drive Kyle to the airport and say good bye for 6 months and then head to work like nothing happened. It doesn't work that way. You're lucky if you can drive home without breaking down, let alone get through the day with the bare minimum requirements (food & diaper changes for the little one). Hell, you spend days - maybe even weeks - not sleeping, very emotional, relearning how to do every last chore in your house, because there is no one there to help you. There is no one who comes home for lunch or after work to help break up your day. There is no one to watch the kid while you go grocery shopping or the gym... Or to grab that one thing you always forget upstairs. It's just you. In your house. All alone. And while I want to think I'm strong enough to just plow through and "distract" myself - there is not one thing that can distract you enough. Not when half your heart is on the other side of the world and you don't know the next time you'll be able to talk - let alone see him.
So as much as I wanted that job for me, I turned down that job for me. So I can cope, I can adjust - and Evelyn can adjust - in our own time, in our own space, on our own schedule. And if you can't understand how important that is? Then please, get out of my life. I only need supporters at this point.
