I really, really shouldn't complain. I'm getting lots of sleep, which is amazing. I don't have drama to deal with. My husband is amazing.
BUT I AM SO BORED!
And I'm starting to think it's making me depressed. I have worked since I was a freshman in college, and it's been about a year now since I haven't worked for any length of time (the 1 month bout at the CDC being the exception). I hate not being financially contributing. I hate just sitting on my ass all day being a bum. I feel like such a waste. I'm so worthless. I don't do well with this much time on my hands - even the things I expect to occupy my time bore me in less than half the time as they used to. My mind is so unstimulated, and I can feel my body literally deteriorating. It's too late to try to work anymore - and I can't regret that decision as I know it was unhealthy to continue working at that center. Any other work option is not an option, as we don't have a second car. I'm just stuck. I tried making lists - it lasted 2 days. It didn't really take away the mood swings, though. I call my mom to take up some time in the afternoon - sometimes it works; other times she just puts me in a worse mood. It's 4:30, my husband has been home about an hour now... He plopped in bed and fell asleep so I just stayed on the computer. It's not like there's anything else to do.
It doesn't help that it's so gloomy here. Cloudy skies never bothered me before - even in IL when winters were long and the skies were almost always cloudy. ... I had stuff to do though, people to see. Here, my life is sitting on the computer to sitting on the couch, to sitting at the table for meals. Occasionally we go out to shop. Even more rarely we'll meet up with somebody. My heart races going up the 3.5 flights of stairs to our apartment. Sometimes, I can't make it without pausing and panting to catch my breath. And true, I am pregnant and stuff, but I'm pretty sure my muscles are just deteriorating into nothing.
Update: 5:30pm, and he's still asleep. I don't even have the energy to attempt to wake him up and try to get him to do something with me.
1 comment:
have you found any mommy & me groups? or maybe starting a business, or volunteering? taking walks? I remember when I wasnt working I did nothing all day and I HATED it. I was so depressed (you remember you read my blog) and it was horrible. Try and just stay busy, and make some new mommy friends. your gonna be glad to have them real soon
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